Whew, it has been a busy week! I was on Army Wife Talk Radio, Aug.
11, after figuring out the time zone difference between the east coast and Alaska, I was finally able to connect with the
hosts of Army Wife Talk Radio. I almost missed the time to call in. Thank you, thank you, Tara and Star for giving
me an opportunity for talking on the show.
This week I also found out about another awesome program,
"Critters Who Care," which was on the second half of the show.
"Critters Who Care" is a grassroots
organization whose mission is to lessen the pain of children who have suffered traumatic events in their young lives. Some
of these children have been removed from their homes because of abuse, some children have a parent in hospice care or are
in hospice care themselves and some have lost a young sibling to a tragic event. This program has been expanded to children
who have lost a parent due to combat operations.
I've put a link to this great organization on my additional
resource page, log on and check it out.
I can't believe it. My niece has joined the Army. Right now she
is a senior in high school. She'll finish out her school year and this summer will go off to basic training and AIT. Wow!
She told her mother she wanted to follow in my foot steps. Good luck Amber! With your athletic ability, boot camp will be
a breeze.
I also found this great article on kids and deployments:
Communication is Key When Children Face Parent's
Deployment
BY
Bilyana Atova
GRAFENWOEHR, Germany - Deployments
are tough on military Families, especially children.
Separation
can take its toll on youth of all ages, and experts agree that parents should take steps to help their children cope during
this difficult time.
"Many times we forget
the kids, that they go through the same emotions, fears and concerns as we do," said Simone Hartley of the U.S. Army
Garrison Grafenwoehr Army Community Service Family Advocacy Program.
Robin Kelley, the program's program manager, said parents and caregivers should "start preparing the child
as soon as you know about an upcoming deployment."
In
fact, such groundwork should involve the entire family, with parents talking individually with each child.
"Children often pick up on subtle emotional changes
in their parents, and if they become aware that their mother or father is behaving differently, they may personalize it and
believe they are the cause," added Navy Capt. Daphne Brown, a clinical psychologist at Landstuhl Regional Medical Center,
Germany. "They need to understand, in concrete terms they can grasp, what is happening and why."
But this crucial communication should not be a one-time
event, Kelley stressed, adding that parents should use every opportunity to prepare each child according to his or her age
and their level of understanding."
Additionally,
Kelley said it is important for a Soldier-parent to spend time separately with each child prior to deployment because "it
is about respecting your child as an individual, who needs your undivided attention."
Reinforcing that notion, Brown said, "Spending time
individually is very important because it establishes connections."
She said children often experience the same emotions as parents prior and during deployments, but "they just
show it in different ways, often through behavior."
Pre-school children, for example, may exhibit regressive behavior, such as bedwetting, and a desire to sleep in the
same bed with their parents. Children in this age group, Brown said, do not have a total grasp of time and they simply "do
not understand what it means that daddy is going away for a long time."
Another common deployment characteristic for pre-school children is egocentrism.
"Kids are very egocentric," said Brown, explaining
that they often think that if a parent is leaving, they have probably done something wrong.
And pre-school kids experience what Kelley called non-reality
"magical thinking," believing that if they wish or pray for something to happen, it will come to pass.
Another common pre-deployment reaction of
that age group is feelings of rejection by the deploying parent. I don't love you can be heard often from the children,
Kelley said. "This is where the parent should react with 'I know that you are angry but it is okay, I still love
you.'"
Common pre-deployment behavior
for school-age children includes difficulty concentrating, difficulty sleeping, anxiety, resentfulness and denial, according
to Elizabeth Hill, an adolescent substance abuse counselor for Grafenwoehr's middle school.
"Anger is also a primary reaction that consists
of fear and hurt," Hill said.
Plus
children may become irritable, or even withdraw from their parents and friends.
"Some children develop physical problems, such as stomach pains and headaches, while others cling to the parents
more closely," Brown noted, adding it is not uncommon for school-age children to also exhibit regressive behavior and
"become more clingy or whiny."
And
though teenagers are more mature, they are just as likely to exhibit pre-deployment stress. Common behaviors for teenagers:
depression, problems sleeping, missing curfew and cursing.
"It is like they are thinking if I am bad, my dad cannot go," Kelley said.
"Sometimes teenagers have difficulty saying they
are scared for deployed parents," she pointed out, noting that teenagers can also suddenly begin to avoid a parent who
is leaving.
Regardless of the different
age groups and behaviors, military child experts agree on one matter - the diverse behavior of children of deploying parents
is normal.
"Whenever there is a noticeable
change in a child's behavior that appears to be more negative or immature, you should consider ... that the child is struggling
because of the upcoming deployment," said Brown said.
When parents see such emotions, Hill suggests they listen to the child with an open mind, keeping the lines of communication
flowing; it helps children to deal with changes and to restore predictability.
"Children need a great deal of routine and predictability," Brown said. "Certainly a parent leaving
the household disturbs both of those factors. Behavioral problems are far more likely to be resolved if children do not have
the extra anxiety of wondering what is going to happen next in their world."
Another key to helping children cope with deployments, she suggested, is "reassuring
them of your love."
Brown
called children, ages 8 to 10, as very egocentric as well, meaning they see many events in their world occurring because of
their actions. Reassuring young ones that they are loved, she said, can help to eliminate the misperception that the parent
left because the children were bad, are unlovable, or somehow did something wrong.
However, Kelley cautioned, "Reassuring the kids that they are loved and reassuring
them that you are coming back are two very different things; never make a false promise to a child."
"You should be honest with the child that there
is risk - but at a level the child can understand," Brown agreed. While a teenager can comprehend that the deploying
parent may face dangers, younger children cannot process that information as well.
Kelley said parents should explain this in an age-appropriate manner: "If
the kid is 6 years old, you do not give them statistics."
The best way to phrase it, experts concur, without making a false promise to the child, is reassuring them that the
parent is well-prepared for his job, that all Soldiers work together as a team to keep each other safe, and that the parent
will do everything possible to return home safely.
"One
should definitely be honest while focusing on the positive perspectives that can provide reassurance," Brown said.
(Bilyana Atova is a member of the USAG Grafenwoehr
Public Affairs Office)
